Noel Gallagher and His Fiendish Deadly Spider, Or All The Music News That’s Not Fit To Print
By Misery Xchord

Noel Gallagher

And the nominee for currently most content challenged and editorially bankrupt music news is…

“Noel Gallagher forces festival quarantine after bringing a deadly, green-fanged spider on site”

NME breathlessly led with headlines that the High Flying Birds frontman literally shut down the festival with some sort of deadly beastie that he’d presumably smuggled in and sprung upon the unsuspecting festival staff… but wait… not actually?

“Noel Gallagher forced the organisers of Jersey Live Festival to quarantine the festival’s backstage area after a green-fanged spider was discovered in one of his flight cases. 

The High Flying Birds man, who headlined last weekend’s event along with dance duo Chase and Status, wasn’t on site at the time, but as crew members were unloading one of his guitars, they noticed the spider, and, shortly afterwards, evacuated the backstage area while a local wildlife trust dealt with the problem.

Jersey Live spokeswoman Jayne Houghton said of the incident: “Staff immediately set about catching the spider and an area backstage had to be quarantined for nearly 20 minutes. Noel had not arrived at the gig and so was blissfully unaware of the panic the spider caused.”

The spider is now being analysed by the Jersey-based Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust and will be rehoused in the near future, reports BBC News.”

This story could have contained actual factual information. Oh wait, it did. Noel wasn’t there. A scary spider crawled out of his flight case. He was completely unaware of this. A local wildlife group is looking into what kind of spider it is.

They could’ve also have told you that crew members had quickly caught the large black creepy crawly in a plastic container when they found it unpacking flight cases, but concert organizers were so concerned it was dangerous they quarantined a small part of the backstage area for 20 minutes, however there were 12 members of Durrells Wildlife Conservation Trust on site at the time, collecting empty drink cans to raise money for charity, who were able to be summoned backstage and immediately took the spider away for analysis (aka Google).

The Sun reports that  Sarah Nugent, of the Wildlife Trust described it as, “It was the size of a 50p piece with green fangs.

We found out that the crew had been to most parts of the world during their tour, including Argentina and Japan.

But Noel has also been to places like Chelmsford, so the spider could have hitched its ride at any point, or simply walked in from a nearby field here in Jersey.”

High Flying Birds continues on tour in Europe and North America with tour dates currently posted through November on the band’s website.

Misery Xchord (97 Posts)

i am a very pretty hate machine. artist | illustrator | blogger | photographer (not a terrorist)